I’m gonna raise a winner; not a pussy!

Okay, I spent the weekend hanging out with a bunch of my college friends and thanks to one of them who has a four year old daughter, I came to the realization of how much I dread having my own children in the future. Kids are pains in the ass and I think most, if not all guys my age are daunted by the mere thought of having to raise one.

But I also realize that having to face the ordeal of raising a kid is inevitable, I mean unless I’m sterile (Which I have proven I’m not), or I get myself into a really horrible accident involving a hyena biting off my dick or something, I submit that there will come a time when my hyperactive, hankering sperm cells will find an egg they could sink their silly little heads into.

I’m sure it isn’t THAT bad. I’m positive that there is an iota of fun involved in having a kid and fucking him up so bad he’d wish he’d never been born. I mean after all, it’s nice to have someone I can send to get groceries and purposefully coerce to live through all the ambitions that I, his father, failed to realize in his youth. I imagine having this sort of conversation with my kid:

Son: “Dad, I’m shifting to Nursing, I figured out that helping people in need is something I really want to do.”

Me: [Playing a video game, eating potato chips off my tummy] “What kind of fairy are you? Let me ask you something, whose dick are you going to suck when you become part of the growing number of the unemployed or underemployed?”

Son: “…”

Me: [nodding] “That’s right, MINE.”

Son: “But I just couldn’t see myself sitting in front of the computer all day writing codes in stupid programming languages, laughing every once in a while at a funny e-mail and generally being a dork!”

Me: “John James Miguel Dominador Villar, I’ll watch my mouth if i were you…”

Son: “but…”

Me: “Don’t make me hit your mother.”

So you see, I’ll make a good father. In fact, I’d be so good that I’d be the type who’d rather play an epic Online RPG where I can repeatedly kill creatures to fanatically gain levels while both my social and family life severely atrophy and my children are taken away by welfare because of utter neglect.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t want my future kid to become a pussy. Actually, I am very determined to prevent that from happening that this early, I have decided to come up with a timetable of events and honors I want my kid to achieve. And speaking as an avant-garde proponent of stupid jokes in bullet points I present this timetable:

• 0 – 9 months before birth: After my kid is conceived in my wife’s womb (most probably in the ‘Missionary’ or ‘Suspended Monkey man’ position), I will have to stop beating her up over financial matters and my drinking problem. I will see to it that she only has the healthiest kinds of food in her diet. I will not give in to her cravings of Mangga and Bagoong because if I do, then undoubtedly, she will give birth to a fruity fairy who shits skittles. Oh and I will have to stop engaging in hardcore sex with her too.

• 1 year old to 5 years old: The moment my kid peeks out of my wife’s gaping folds, I will rush to the nearest bank and open a savings account for him, I don’t want to have any reason for me not to be able to send him to college, so every cent left over from my six-digit salary will go to his college fund from this point forward. I will not buy him toys because toys are gay. Instead, I will force him to read books early. I’m not talking about those stupid children’s books either, but rather Business and Finance books because I don’t want my kid leeching off my and my wife’s generosity forever. I mean sure, it’s understandable for him to avail of the drink-all-you-can milk from my wife’s teats and free lodging for the first two years, but I want him to learn the value of hard work early; this reason is going to justify me kicking my kid out of the house once he turns three so me and his mommy can get busy making him a brother.

• 6 years old to 8 years old: At this point I want my kid to have fully developed motor skills and speech. He should be cursing like a demented sailor and playing professional basketball by now and if not, there’s something terribly wrong with him and I will ‘terminate his contract’ by poisoning his food or smothering him with a pillow while he sleeps. I’d feel bad about it, hell I’ll even cry sometimes, but I’ll console myself by thinking that he’s a pussy anyway and therefore worthless. During this time, he should be in elementary school; writing subversive documents for secessionist rebels or drawing drawings only serial killers can think of just like he’s old man did when he was his age.

• 9 years old to 14 years old: Around age 9 to 14, my kid will discover the art of self love and start wanking off. I’m a cool new age dad so I am not going to tell him after I barge in on him while he’s flogging his dolphin. Well maybe I’ll say something to the effect of ‘Learn to lock the door dammit!’ but nothing more. I will not make the same mistakes my parents did by not teaching me crap about the birds and the bees and leaving me alone to learn about it via second hand stories and VHS tapes. I won’t make my kid believe that he came out of his mom’s anus just like what my mom told me; in fact, I’ll tell him that he came out of a vagina and he should be proud of it because the anus is dirtier. In fact, I’m gonna teach him other words that correspond to the vagina like pussy, cunt and pepet. I will also instill the concept of safe sex in him; I will not let him go to school without a condom and tell him that story when I got an STD from banging a prostitute we picked up in Quezon Ave. at around 4 AM. I will make sure he understands that the best time to pick up prostitutes is around 11PM; it’s a little pricier but at least the girls are gonna be considerably cleaner as opposed to picking them up at say around 2AM. I mean, it’s always healthier being the first customer and all.

• 15 years old to 17 years old: If I followed my timetable religiously to this point, my kid should be a well rounded young man by now. He’ll know every nook and cranny there is to being a useful member of society. At this age, I will introduce my son to Marijuana, cocaine and rugby as I believe that it’s beneficial for him to know the truth behind the stigma of illegal substances before he heads out to college. I’ll teach him how to roll a joint, how to efficiently snort a line of coke and how to get the most out of a bottle of adhesive. I’ll help him choose a course in college by taking away any options he has. I’ll force him to study a computer related course or a business course because frankly I want him to enjoy financial independence as early as possible. I mean come on, somebody with a business degree or a computer degree is better poised in achieving that as opposed to say an English Major. Trust me, learning how to run a business is more profitable than learning how to properly capitalize or properly use punctuation marks.

• 18 years old to 21 years old: My kid should either be a college senior or graduated from college already; banging ho’s left and right like the most amazing piece of meat in the world. He’d invariably get into stocks, guns, designer drugs or sex trade; it really doesn’t matter as long as he is successful and respected unlike his old man who spends his work day posting obscene jokes on the Internet.