Apologies in the name of porn

Over the weekend, I found out some rather unnerving things about myself. First, contrary to my vehement denial, I do have a drinking problem. So Nixie, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know how sorry I am for frequently arguing with you about this and even once beating you up within an inch of your life with my shoe. In my defense, I have little to no recollection of my being drunk nor its consequences. Check out this transcript of a chat I had with my friend:

(21:10:34) Mike: Kim yung pipe ko naiwan ko sa auto mo!
(21:10:47) Kim: wla dun tol…
(21:11:00) Kim: san b banda?
(21:11:19) Mike: Sa sahig
(21:11:59) Kim: wla dun tol…
(21:12:02) Mike: nak ng
(21:12:06) Kim: cge tanong ko sa mom ko…
(21:12:19) Mike: okay hehehe
(21:12:20) Kim: wla rn nmn nabangit c paul sakin…
(21:12:35) Kim: cya umupo sa harap nun eh…
(21:12:42) Mike: di ko naalala nangyari
(21:12:46) Mike: alam ko nagbilyar tayo
(21:12:51) Mike: di ko alam kung gano katagal
(21:13:02) Mike: di ko alam kung san tayo nagpunta pagkatapos
(21:13:54) Kim: kumuha kmi ng bakla tpos pinatira k nmin sa pwet…
(21:14:03) Kim: d n b mskit pwet mo?
(21:14:22) Mike: di na
(21:14:34) Mike: san nga tayo nagpunta?
(21:14:39) Mike: sobra lasing ko nun
(21:28:05) Kim: sa timog diba?
(21:28:19) Mike: Ahhh okay
(21:28:20) Mike: pagkatapos nun
(21:31:23) Kim: nagtagaytay…
(21:33:30) Mike: Ano ginawa dun?
(21:33:43) Kim: wla lang…
(21:37:59) Mike: anong wala; tumingin lang?
(21:38:12) Kim: 2log k eh…
(21:38:19) Kim: uwian nah…
(21:38:23) Mike: tanginang yan
(21:41:30) Mike: nagbilyar ba ako?
(21:41:34) Mike: o natulog ako sa bilyaran?
(21:41:39) Kim: oo
(21:41:43) Kim: isang beses lang….
(21:41:47) Mike: nanalo ako?
(21:42:00) Kim: hindi

I have this theory that these little blackouts I constantly have are my brain’s insidious way of telling me to get a life, which is something I’d take seriously if only drinking wasn’t so damn fun. So fuck you brain.

However I have a more pressing problem about myself that will most likely come as a shock to you. Regular readers of this blog know me as Michael Villar, a principled young man who works as an Internet professional and passes time by writing about masturbation and his sexual fantasies. What you don’t know is that I have been hiding a vile secret: I have been in the carnal clutches of porn for the most part of my adult life. The lure of leather-clad dominatrices, college coeds and sometimes, even farm animals were too much of a temptation for me to ward off and I succumbed–and got addicted.

The period between my adolescence and now was a degenerous haze. It didn’t make much of a difference whether the materials were magazines I got from under my parents’ mattress, photoshopped celebrity pictures or moldy VHS tapes I found inside my dad’s little ‘pleasure box’, I just wanted to get my fix.

As with most addictions, mine had its natural progression. In the beginning, I was satisfied with renting VHS titles found at the extreme back of my local video store’s catalog or getting tabloids with delightfully sexual innuendos in their titles but there came a time when those simply would not do the trick for me anymore. I began downloading several Bangbus and Mike’s Apartment clips off the Internet and proceeded to carry out numerous activities of self love in the confines of my locked room which, eventually began to reek badly of bleach. I hit an all time low when I was indicted on charges of statutory rape and kidnapping two kindergarten students and coercing them into performing sexy dances on top of a table while wearing elf costumes in my room for two weeks. After I escaped from Muntinlupa, it dawned on me that something needs to be done to curb my worsening addiction.

I type this article as a new person ladies and gentlemen. A man who has turned his back on the sinful life he led and in turn, found solace in the company of friends and trust in the warmth of love offered by my savior Jesus Christ.

With that said, I want to apologize to all the people who, due to my transgressions, have suffered one way or another. I know that my sins should be punished with the same severity but until I can find an electric chair I could fit in, my apology would have to do. I’d like to say sorry to the following people:

• My best friend Jay Lingan – Dude, remember the time when you were showing me pictures of you and your girlfriend on your phone? I sent one to my phone using blue tooth while you went to get ice for our beers. I then locked myself inside your bathroom but realized that I sent a picture of your family to my phone by mistake. Shit dude this is embarrassing, but I jacked off on your ten year old sister. I know you’d understand, you’re my best friend!

• My friend Andrew Macalino – Sorry pare, but sometimes at night when I couldn’t sleep, I touch myself while thinking of your Tita Lulu, you know, the one who used to give us baths when we were little? This has gotten so out of hand that there was a point that I almost couldn’t tell fantasy from reality and convinced myself that your Tita was an Aztec princess with three boozles.

• My Ex girlfriend - Remember the time when you called me at home and I was panting like crazy? I told you I just got back from playing basketball but the truth was I was jerking off to your voice while I was watching sexy videos of Kari Wuhrer. I know it’s sick, but that’s nothing compared to the time when we were having sex in the apartment I used to rent and I was imagining I was doing a skunk because frankly, that’s how bad you stank that night.

• My Boss Alvin- I’m sorry for being unproductive at work, I know I’m good at pretending to be at work but if you looked closely enough, I had browser windows on Harry potter erotica and under the table, I’m rubbing my crotch. I promise I’d be more productive from now on.

• Mysterious Internet girl- I just want you to know that I’m sorry for pretending that I was a nice guy who cares about your problems and gives you sincere advice. The truth is, I saw that you were in a vulnerable state and I intended to meet up with you, put you to sleep using a handkerchief laced with chloroform and do the nasty dance on you. You just look so hot on the pic you sent me and I have been fantasizing about you everytime I turn on my computer as I have made it my desktop wallpaper

• Mang Leo the carpenter- I’m sorry for sticking it in ‘there’, I know it must’ve hurt like hell.

I know it’s going to take a lot of willpower to forgive me people. But we’re all Christians, or at least you are, and isn’t it a Christian virtue to forgive and forget or something like that? I love you all.