Don’t be an asshole, give love on Christmas day

Kids. Aren’t they adorable? They say the cutest, most unexpected things, they pick their noses and wipe it off on linen or under the table and they masturbate in their rooms without locking the door.
I am a very idealistic man and sometimes, I love to sit down and just pretend that all the children in the world have access to primary education, designer drugs and cheap whiskey for these are vital prerequisites for combating poverty, empowering women, protecting children from hazardous and exploitative labor, sexual abuse, and preventing them from becoming intellectually deficient apes that most adults are today.

Sadly however, the world is not a big can of peaches and children do not have access to most, if not all, the vital prerequisites that I have enumerated. It deeply saddens me to look outside the window and see children playing with metal scraps, children eating worms and children eating children. I have had enough of this and I decided to step up and do something drastic. I will be the catalyst in the eradication of child poverty and people will look up to me because of that, they will praise me, and women would willingly have sex with me without me having to pay them.

Last Christmas, me and my friend Mark had a little outreach program which aimed to spread the Christmas cheers to street children. We bunched up poor kids from around the neighborhood and ushered them into an empty warehouse we rented for our program.
After a hearty dinner, a motivational speech and an hour of cheek-pinching, cuddling and a little karaoke session, We decided to proceed with the fun activities we had in store for the little children.

Fun with comparative anatomy!

Me and Mark were classmates in pre-med and I must say that we both enjoyed our comparative anatomy lessons. You might be thinking that we’re the biggest, geekiest losers on the internet but you are sadly mistaken my friend. We only liked anatomy because we took pleasure in dissecting cats, frogs, baby sharks, chickens and ET-like aliens. With this activity we’re gonna try and convince kids that you can definitely learn while having fun!Anyway, what we did was bring in a cute fuzzy rabbit into the room amidst the collective “awwing” of the kids. We started with a little feeding session where we allowed our young friends to feed the rabbit with shredded cabbage and some worms. After that, we forced one of the kids to nail the rabbit to the floor by threatening to inflict serious physical injuries on him using a telephone. He didn’t have any choice, so he obeyed.What ensued next was sheer joy both to us and the little kids, we took turns in using a scalpel to peel the skin off the rabbit! It was so much fun! Some of the kids were even crying in sheer joy! Then after we exposed the muscles, me and Mark showed off our superior knowledge in comparative anatomy by pointing out muscles such as the gastrocnemius, the serrato ventralis and Rhomboidius capitis muscles. There was this kid who kinda fell asleep during our exciting lecture so we made him use the rabbit’s blood as war paint and made him paint his skin and run up and down the stair case for 90 minutes screaming out war cries. After our lecture ended, we threw the rabbit into a furnace and forced the kids to inhale the addictive scent of burning rabbit flesh.

Role-playing Mayhem!

It’s a known fact that kids are suckers for role playing. This activity involves donning various cartoon character outfits like Popeye, Fred Flintstone, Shaggy from Scooby doo, Winnie the Pooh or some of those naked hentai babes. After they clad themselves in these costumes we give out pepper sprays, baseball bats, little knives, broadswords, mace and battle axes.

The object here is to inflict as much physical harm on other kids, there are no rules whatsoever. They could form alliances with other kids and stab them in the back eventually. We reckon that this is an excellent way to give kids a taste of the dog eat dog real world they will face when they grow up.

The activity was a success, only 4 kids died and we threw them into the furnace where we threw the rabbit in.

Fun with household substances!

For our final activity of the day we had the kids form a circle and spun a bottle in the middle in a truth or dare fashion. The lucky kid who was picked by fate was a little girl named Marie. So what we did was tie Marie up in a chair and let the other kids stick tubes into all the holes in her body: ears, nose, mouth, barnhole, and mystery hole. After that, the other kids take turns in pouring in different types of household substances into the tubes. There’s insecticide, battery fluid, cleanser, muriatic acid or milk.

I don’t know exactly how little Marie felt but she turned blue and stopped moving, so we decided to let the other kids take turns into beating her up with a metal rod.

Results

The results were very satisfactory. Other than our observation that the kids were all crying with joy after we sent them homes with threats of severe physical injury if they told anyone what transpired that night, we saw that some good values have been instilled into their young little minds:

1.) Team building
2.) Violence 
3.) Profanity 
4.) Sex 
5.) Alcohol

Our program was a huge success and hopefully we could have another one this Christmas. If you’re interested in volunteering, shoot me an email.Must. stop. doing. drugs.