The Gentleman’s guide to work related excuses

Every single day I feel this; the harrowing feeling that goes with the knowledge that you’re about to do something wrong. I don’t want to do it. But some remorseless, cruel force is compelling me. It’s telling me to rise from my otherwise peaceful slumber. It’s slowly chewing away at what remains of my tired battered body. It’s slowly killing me.

The vitriolic whisper commands me to get up and tells me that everybody else is doing it and I should too. I try to fight it but it’s too late, it has already sunk its vindictive talons on my mortal flesh. It mockingly tells me to suck it up, be a man and let it have its way with me. So I wake up and under much resentment, I do it again: I go to work.

I’m sorry for the literary masturbation but you get the point. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice not to dread your morning commute to work? To find employment both exciting and gratifying that the mere thought of all the work that’s going to swamp you once you get in is enough to boost you out of bed, eager to face the day?Unfortunately the bleak reality of the situation is that most employees start the workday already counting down the seconds until its conclusion.

What I usually do to get over this bind is get high on shabu, go to work, beat off in the john while looking at pictures of Bentong, sit down in front of my work station and have IM conversations like these:

(00:18:57) Mike: When did you have your period again? *holds a marker in front of a calendar ready to write* do you have it regularly?
(00:19:15) Shelly: where the fuck is this leading?
(00:19:42) Mike: Well I’m just marking the days when your bitchiness is excusable.
(00:20:09) Shelly: Mikey if you ever get hurt with the things i say just let me know
(00:20:37) Mike: my patience compensates for my penis size, don’t worry.
(00:21:32) Shelly: is there not a day wherein your penis is not a subject of our conversation?
(00:22:23) Mike: PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS
(00:23:01) Shelly: you
(00:23:02) Shelly: are
(00:23:04) Shelly: so
(00:23:05) Shelly: very
(00:23:06) Shelly: nuts

But there are days when lethargy can be too much of an obstacle to overcome and these are the days when I like spending some quality time away from the office. I do this by:

a. Leaving Early.

b. Coming in late.

c. or not coming in at all.

As a rule of thumb, leaving early requires one to have a solid, non-compromisable commitment. Coming in late, on the other hand, is best explained in a manner that says that you’ve been caught up in a situation beyond your control. Allow me, ATTY. Michael Joseph Villar PhD MD DDS RSVP, to give you a definitive guide to my top three work-related excuses and how to make them work for you.

Birth in the Family:

Example: “My sister had a baby last night. I think it’s my baby and I need to scoot off to visit her in the hospital.â€?

Suggested use: Taking the rest of the day off to watch a movie.

Length of time it buys you: One day tops.

Reliability: If none of your officemates know any of your relatives, there shouldn’t be any problem in pulling the veil over their eyes.

Supporting details: People absolutely love hearing about babies so much in fact that they’d want to hear descriptions or even see pictures of the imaginary infant. Be prepared for a deluge of questions. Now, not all people are gifted with God-like lying skills like yours truly so this can be tricky. You should come prepared with a weight, height, complexion and one quaint detail for added realism. (i.e. “It has a penis shaped like a chess bishop!�)

Frequency: Obviously, this excuse should not be used too often; unless of course your sister is a dog with a gestation period less than nine months.

Pros: By showing a fake closeness to your family, your officemates’ perception of you would improve. They’d think you’re a pretty cool guy after all and not the whiteboard marker sniffing freak they all thought you to be.

Cons: Lying about something like a baby is bristling with traps for everyone but the most adept storyteller.

Death in the family:

Example: “My Lola passed away last night; she choked on a piece of Lego I ‘accidentally’ dropped on her porridge. I would appreciate it if I could take the day off to mourn her untimely demise.�

Suggested use: Going out of town with friends and getting yourself in a drug-induced coma. I don’t know. It’s your life asshole.

Length of time it buys you: Three days tops.

Reliability: Very reliable; unless of course you make the mistake of having used this excuse more than twice before. At this point, you’d have to convince everybody that you have three grandmothers which is highly susceptible to further probing.

Supporting details: Given the fact that you’re mourning the death of an illusory relative, you can dodge delving questions with a stripped face, a long pause, a deep exhalation and a hushed “I don’t want to talk about it now if you don’t mind.� But a brief, made-up history might come in handy as well. (i.e.� Lola was a comfort woman for the Japanese back in the 1940’s. I only meant that entire Lego-in-her-porridge bit as a practical joke. I didn’t want her to die!� [Cue hysterical sobbing here])

Frequency: This excuse should not be overused lest Human Resources starts demanding you to present death certificates for the last twelve of your relatives whom you claim died.

Pros: This earns you unjustified, albeit, welcome sympathy from your officemates. Expect reduced workloads, free food and boner-provoking comfort hugs from your female coworkers.

Cons: None that I can think of; except maybe a comfort hug from a coworker whom you suspect to be a closet homosexual.

Dental Appointment

Example: “I have an appointment with my dentist at one o’clock. I should be back by three.�

Suggested use: Going to a Job interview or smoking pot and passing out in the parking lot.

Length of time it buys you: Three hours tops.

Reliability: You can usually get away with this without incident. This is the quintessential “I’m going to disappear for several hours and you can kiss my ass because you can’t do anything about it� excuse.

Supporting details: For an added dash of realism, why not purchase a new toothbrush, some dental floss and a bottle of mouthwash for everybody to see?

Frequency:Three times a year for a dental appointment is acceptable; but for the bolder liar, you could go the extra mile by claiming you have this chronic gum disease that could turn into cancer if neglected. In theory, this tactic can be used at least once a week for extended periods of time.

Pros: By saying that you’re going to return after the “appointment�, it’s almost certain that your boss will give you the rest of the day off. If the aforementioned offer is not made by your boss, it’s easy to call after about an hour and say that you had an overdose of anesthesia and you’re paralyzed from the waist up making it impossible for you to return.

Cons: People expect to see some sort of physical difference in your teeth or gums after making several trips to the dentist; if years of smoking have exacted its terrible toll on you by giving your teeth a permanent amber glow, this excuse does not suit you well my friend.