Rachel McAdams: The anatomy of an argument

I recently got into a huge argument with Nixie regarding Rachel McAdams and how we allocate each other’s time which is, in my opinion, a pointless waste of time because: one, she’s not my girlfriend(at least not yet) and two because this is the sort of argument where nobody wins. Why? Because Nixie argues using her female-driven emotions (i.e. “that’s true, but I just want to feel special for a change; like a princess! How would YOU feel if I treated you like a sucky sucky two-dollar harlot?�) and I argue using god-like contrivance and skillful dodging. (i.e. “I don’t drink a lot! You call eight bottles of Red Horse drinking a lot? Jesus! So did Manny Pacquiao win? The weather’s nice isn’t it? I’m not getting any tonight am I?�) When those two tactics mix up, boy, it goes down about as roughly as Gin and turpentine would.

Over my last few relationships, I have spent a good deal of time contemplating on why men and women can’t get along and I’ve drawn an inference that when couples argue a lot in a relationship, it generally means that:

• One or both of the parties involved in the relationship are opinionated and combative in nature.

• One or both of the parties involved are unhappy with the relationship.

• Or maybe you’re just wrong for each other and the relationship is destined to be one big clusterfuck.

Yeah, I know; I was just stating the obvious. I still want a Nobel Prize for it though; I mean come on! If there were people who got acclaim for conducting years and years of study on Chimpanzees (Yes Goodall I’m looking at you)and coming to the conclusion that Chimps are more receptive when people smell and act like them, don’t you think I deserve some? Christ! Did you receive funding for monkeying around? Where can I sign up for one of those studies?

Anyway, last Saturday, I came knocking on Nixie’s door; in my hand was a flowchart I made and printed that tackles the topics we usually argue about. This got me into more trouble so stay away from this kind of tactic if you can buddy boy. I realized that most if not all of our little debates tend to curve around and graze the same fucking topics at some point. Never mind that we’re arguing about whether or not Rachel McAdams is pretty, she’ll always bring up that time when I was forty minutes late for a dinner; or that time when she caught me at home when I told her that I was in Tarlac with my parents.

So I hand the flowchart to her and got to explaining the diagram to her. “Nixie, look, here’s the starting point of the entire disagreement. We are arguing about ‘Z’ right there.� I said tapping a square on the piece of paper. “We go around arguing about ‘Z’ from different perspectives but by the time we arrive here…� I tap another spot on the diagram. “You’ve already brought up that entire hullabaloo about that time when I was forty minutes late for a date; something that I blame entirely on a flat tire and something that you arbitrarily refuse to believe in. So we discuss that incident again and for what it’s worth, I’ve said I’m sorry a trillion times before and I don’t suppose saying sorry for a trillion and first time equates to me not hearing about that bullshit again.�

“After that, you’d go around to bringing up my alleged ‘drinking problem’, something that I vehemently deny and we arrive here…� I say pointing to a dotted line somewhere in the middle of the diagram. “Here are the reasons why we argue: number one, you keep on insisting that I have a drinking problem; number two, I honestly think you are a nagger; and number three; you don’t know the meaning of ‘agreeing to disagree’ I mean we’re arguing about Rachel McFuckingAdams here for crying out loud and we end up arguing about other things we argued about in the past as an offshoot of it.� I said tracing the dotted line back to the beginning of the diagram with my index finger. “When we argue about ‘Z’ can we just argue about ‘Z’ and nothing else for Fuck’s sake?� I said raising my voice a little to make a point.

“So you see, that’s how we got into this shitty argument we’re having now. That’s the course this entire argument took. Let me guess where we’re going from here; you’re very predictable so I’m assuming that you’re going to chew me out for a good fifteen minutes about how big of an asshole I am; That will definitely tick me off and I will try to steer the conversation back on topic. I’m probably going to say ‘We’re arguing about ‘Z’; what does that have to do with me being an asshole?’ “ I tap heavily on the square in the beginning of the chart. “I’m guessing that I’ll fail miserably with regards to keeping the argument on course as you’re one of the most stubborn people I know so I’ll give up, but not without being so fucking furious, so I’ll end up here…� I said pointing to a square somewhere in the bottom of the diagram. “This is Mikey right there getting into his car, fuming mad, and out to run over some hobos in Katipunan.�

“After that you’ll end up here…� I said tapping on a square to the right hand side of the diagram. “You’ll cry your fucking eyes out, call Michelle and tell her about our problems including, but not limited to my poor performance in bed. I, on the other hand, will be driving around the city purposelessly for an hour or so then I’ll come back after calming down; you’d proceed to hug me, we’ll both cry like pussies and that’s going to be the end of it.�

“So can we stop arguing about Rachel McAdams? Please?�

Nix, I know you’re reading this. I still think Rachel McAdams is hot. And our little truce does nothing to change that fact.