How to be a thug and sleep without a lot of women without paying

How to be a thug and sleep with a LOT of women…without paying

Since Abraham Lincoln decided to proclaim himself as the liberator of slaves, the paragon of horrendous facial hair and the benchmark-setter for atrocious tuxedos and trousers, The United States of America’s already diverse culture further diversified. Today we see African-Americans excelling in various fields such as sports, business and politics…well maybe not in politics but there’s Collin Powell and I think he’s black or if not maybe Mexican or Nordsk.

This cultural diversification is further exemplified by the evolution in music we have witnessed during the past century, to which I’m not gonna comment further because my musical preference doesn’t go beyond distorted guitar riffs and loose bass-lines. You might be asking yourself right now what the hell a guy who has an IQ of a dinner plate doing writing an article about Hip hop. The answer is simple: That’s because I’m clinically obese and I could get away with doing pretty much anything.

Fashion

Not much can be said with regards to hip hop fashion. It’s basically pieces of filthy rags that they sew together to produce Shirts, pants, head bands and those fuck annoying handkerchiefs they tie around their bald, corn-rowed or bullet-scarred heads. Here are some trends I observed:

• When picking clothes, always choose sizes that are ridiculously bigger than your actual size. For instance, if your t-shirt size is XL, pick XXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, and if your shoe size is 12, get a size 18. If someone complains about being frequently stepped on by your gargantuan shoes, threaten him by saying “I’ll kick yo shit foo!”
• Never dress according to the weather as hiphoppers consider this “unthuglike” and they’re gonna think you’re a poser so they’d probably plug you in the head with their “piece.” Anyway, if it’s searing hot, wear a sweater(FUBU as much as possible). And if it’s freezing cold, don’t wear anything. Show off your sixpacks and say that you didn’t work out in no mofucken gym but rather you got your abs”coz life be hard in tha ghettos wher mah momma raised me and my daddy got kinky with me fo sho”
• The more jewelry or pieces of metal you have on, the more “thuggish” you’d be! So clad yourself with gold necklaces, bracelets, earings, nose rings, tongue piercings, anklets, golden dentures or a golden prosthetic limb for all I care. Look at yourself at the mirror, you’d see either a pirate who raided Fort Knox or a thug! woooorddd!
• “Reprazent” your hometown by wearing authentic replica basketball, baseball, hockey or football jerseys. That’d be a little tougher for you budding Filipino Thugs because we only have basketball as a prominent sport so I’m guessing wearing authentic Bogs Adornado, Yves Dignadice, Chito Loyzaga or Cadel Mosqueda Jerseys would do. If someone asks you what hood you’re “reprazenting” then say “N-town baby! Novaliches!” or “Cal-c baby! Caloocan City!”

Slang

Hip hop lingo is harder to decipher than C++. It’s the kind of talk that would reduce even an intellectual subject to something that resembles mating Rhinos. But when you’re living the hip hop life, who needs intellectual talk anyway? All you need are girls shaking their asses and drugs.

Hoping to get acquainted with the entire Hip Hop dictionary is like hoping for Ja Rule to talk to you about Objectivism and Ayn Rand. Your best hope is to bluff your way to hiphophood and here are a few pointers:

• When caught in an awkward situation just say something that doesn’t make sense at all but sounds “thuggish”

Hiphopper: Ayo, we’z goin ta theez joint to parlay, you be geeze?
You: umm, yeah! I got some mad lovin’ fo geeze! fo all y’all geeze!
Hiphopper: whut?! you fuckin’ fob!
You: Payce out!

• If you run out of things to say, assume that the party you’re talking to is threatening you, which would be a very accurate(98%) assumption because most Hiphoppers pack guns, baseball bats, jackfruit, marbles, chains and other deadly weapons. Threaten them before they threaten you!

Hihopper: jeah! I be axeing you one last time ayt? You be comin with us to get down with some bizzos nahmean?
You: I love Ja Rule!
Hiphopper: Whaddafuck’s wrong witchoo brutha? You blitzed or sumfin?
You: Listen blacky, if you take a step further I’m gonna…I love Ja Rule!
Hiphopper: Whutt??!

Rapping

Hiphop revolves around music, you must’ve watched 8 mile or some other rap movie so you’re familiar that Hiphoppers occasionally do “battles” or rap contests that give them illusory achievements and make them believe that they have some sort of musical talent. But truth of the matter is, they don’t, and they sound like arabs talking about donkey piss. A good example would be my very own brother, whom, after doing time for savagely kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach, has been suffering from bouts of musical creativity. He has made it his personal mission to tell the world that he’s now a certified “thug” because he’s been to jail. For about two hours. Maybe one.

Here are some tips to make you sound like you know what you’re rapping about:

• Rhyming. This is the fundamental part of rapping. Rap, I believe, came from a group of hebrews who listened to one too many nursery rhymes. Undoubtedly, you have listened at one or two nursery rhymes before you were too engrossed in masturbating so you basically have an idea of what you’re about to do.

Rap: We be, ummm, thugging it OUT we be gunning it OUT because we can’t be beaten by humans I have a crew that’s mashin’ and you’re team are raisins! Your rapping suck! so I wish you luck! fo sho! yo yo!

• Cliches. There are tried and tested beats and lines in rapping meaning that they have achieved considerable success in the rap world. Use this cliches to get the crowd going and have them participate or brutally shove huge chunks of metal, killer bees, and microphones into your ass. Good examples of cliches are:

Rap: Yo! yes yes yo! yo yes yes yo! yo! yes yes yo! (repeat)

Rap: Throw your hands everybody! Everybody just throw your hands! Throw your hands everybody! Everybody just throw your hands!

Rap: Throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don’t care! (repeat)

I just came to my senses and realized I’m writing a very useless article on hiphop. I mean who wants to be associated with hiphop anyway? All they do is play basketball all day, sit on the porch, rob liquor stores, rap and play dominos or scrabble in the alley. I’m bouncing! And you better bounce too because yo wasting yo time fo sho!