Get a job, fucking bum

A minute ago my friend who just graduated from MIT (Mapua Institute of Technology; which is not in Massachusettes nor does it producee badly groomed, barely sane physicists who are bound to invent a time machine) called me up and basically whined about not being able to get a job. I pity her, I really do. I mean I know some people who graduated from far less prestigious colleges, ones that only require you to sleep through your classes, have a clean car and money to buy tickets to your school’s next basketball game. That’s a hell lot easier as opposed to having to reconstruct the Eiffel tower as your thesis isn’t it? I lost my point somewhere back there but I think I was about to mention some people having a job that gets paid thrice the median pay for an entry-level position. That’s saying a lot since all they do is surf the internet, watch porn and occasionally pick lint off the carpet using their tongues. Some people also own 3,082 hectares of virgin rain forest somewhere in South America but I digress–What I’m really thinking of right now is how the hell did they do it?

The unemployment rate in the country is rather alarming and leads one to think that there is no God. Being the philanthropist that I am, I feel that it behooves me to write a definitive guide for all the people who think that serving fries over at McDonalds is the best thing since sliced bread; for all the ignorant college graduates who think that being a rock star is a career path that is worthy of their best efforts and for all the Taong Grasas who think that applying grease all over their bodies and carrying around random scraps of metal and human waste is cool and hip.

The opportunities are endless

One needs to set aside any inhibitions and prejudice it has against the government and the number of jobs available because let me tell you something—There are enough jobs in the Philippines to provide employment to the whole population of China and Bolivia combined. You just need to open your eyes to see that there are a lot of career paths just waiting for you to discover. Below are a few examples:

1.) Deodorant efficiency tester

2.) Elevator Operator

3.) Serial Killer

4.) Sleepy guard

5.) Toll booth attendant

6.) Fat call center agent

7.) Fatter call center agent

8.) Fattest call center agent

9.) Obese call center agent

10.) Christmas tree installer

11.) MRT operator

12.) Noontime show extra

Now, run those Job suggestions over your slow, dense brain and try to associate yourself with the job that best suits you. Next up is the guide to writing the perfect resume’.

Writing a resume’

Now the key to effective resume’ writing is bullshit; you have to pad your resume with irrelevant fillers and half truths. Your name plays a crucial role in bagging the job, because believe it or not, companies are prejudiced when it comes to your name. There are certain characteristics that are associated with your name alone say for instance a Luzviminda is not as competent as a Nicole; or they would think that a generic name like Paul would entail bad work ethics like sitting on the keyboard and eating chiz curls while giggling like an Irish schoolgirl; a name like Michael exudes cuteness and intelligence for some reason though. Think of a competitive name for Chrissakes! Usually names like Jim Razor or Alice Turbo works fine but the problem lies in having the supporting documents to match your new name and you guessed it right; there’s only one trusted and true solution for things that require intricate forgery—a place called Recto. Yes, You heard me right people, Recto. The place where you could have your entire identity forged. You can have the wonderful people there come up with a transcript with flat 1’s as well as a diploma saying that you’re from Princeton; and if that’s not enough you could have them create memories of your fake college days through Adobe Photo shop; have them make you a photograph of yourself getting your diploma, shaking the dean’s hand or even a wild frat party; trust me on this one people—Everything you need is in Recto, nuff said.

Another pertinent part of your resume’ is your Job experience. Take the liberty of lying through your Job titles because trust me, “McDonald’s floor sweeper� isn’t very appealing. By playing with words, you could effectively come up with nifty, important-sounding titles that would surely impress your potential employer and give your soul a sure ticket to a dip in the fiery lakes of hell. By effectively using deep, multi-syllabic words you could come up with nifty-sounding Job titles like:

Sari-sari store attendant = Commodity resale director

Janitor = Toxic waste disposal supervisor

Security Guard = Vice President for Peace and orderliness

Secretary = Sensitive Data Encoding Officer

Or 26 year-old bum staying at home = Home logistics management specialist

Okay, now that you have added a “few� details about yourself in you resume’, the next step is picking the appropriate wardrobe for the Job Interview.

Wardrobe

Needless to say, you need to put your best foot forward with regards to your selection of the garb you’re gonna wear for your Job Interview. If you’re planning to wear that fake, worn out Dickie’s shirt you’ve been wearing for the past couple of days along with your tattered, torn and muddy jeans that reeks of urine then obviously you’re not very bright. You need a crash course in corporate fashion and I, the most fashionable guy in the internet will take you to school baby.

1.) Wear corporate colors. These include orange, yellow and avocado green.

2.) Accessorize yourself. Employers are people too so they are susceptible to the same hormonal biases when making a decision on who to hire. Wear something that would slightly resemble an animal in mating season. What usually work are peacock headdresses and cheetah underwear.

3.) In conjunction with tip number 2, make sure that you’re wearing the right scent. Expensive French perfume doesn’t cut it anymore nowadays so you have to stick to the basics. Jovan Musk is a you-can’t-go-wrong perfume that would surely knock out your potential employer figuratively if not literally.

4.) Wear rubber shoes. Leather shoes would exude an aura of being urbanely refined and thus, send the impression that you’re just there to shag the secretary and exploit company resources like staplers, punchers, potatoes, broadband internet, jackhammers and magic markers.

The BIG interview

Look at yourself in the mirror and praise me because I’m a genius. I just gave you one of those instant makeovers that would give the Queer Eye for the Straight guy peeps a run for their money. I mean look at you, I changed you from the fashion victimized hillbilly that you were to the suave, metrosexual corporate warrior that you are now. Now comes the mother of all the big moments that are mothered—The Job Interview. There are a few pointers to remember when you step into that cramped little office where the interview’s gonna be conducted. The Job interview is divided into 68 parts—parts one through sixty six is small talk, part sixty seven is the part where they ask you stupid beauty pageant type questions and part sixty eight is slightly small talk. Also keep in mind that you only get one chance of getting a good first impression because other chances at that would be second and third impressions. I’m a funny guy har har har. Rather than explaining the entire process, I’m just gonna give you an example of how a Job Interview should go—MY Job interview:

Mr. Santos: Hi Mike! How are you doing today (offers his hand to shake)
Me: (spits at his outstretched hand) I’m not here to play your stupid psycho-games; get on with it before I stuff a pickle at every available orifice in your body.

Okay take note that I sent out a message that I truly mean business and I’m a person who doesn’t wanna waste time on trivial banter. Those, by themselves are plus points already and I am more or less 87% hired already.

After 3,016 questions more relating to my treatment for substance abuse and me being on parole for killing a department store clerk we finally arrived to the part where he’s asking beauty pageant type questions. Now this is a little bit tricky, so pay close attention and if you’re lucky, you’d learn from me.

Mr. Santos: So Mike, it says here on your resume’ that you went to UP Diliman; is that right?
Me: Yes! Why would I lie about it? Why would I say I went to UP Diliman when in fact I went to PSBA? What would I gain from that?
Mr. Santos: Okay…so, what..
Me: For chrissakes I went to UP Diliman OKAY?!? All the information you need is in that resume’ your holding with your hand for crying out loud! You people should learn how to fucking read for a change!
Mr. Santos: Okay I believe you…
Me: I FUCKING WENT TO UP DILIMAN!!! DO I HAVE TO HAUL YOUR ASS TO THE PARKING LOT AND INFLICT PAIN OF INDESCRIBABLE PROPORTIONS ON YOU BEFORE YOU FUCKING BELIEVE ME?!

Now that any doubts of you not going to the university you claim you attended are eliminated; and lawsuits for grave threat are about to be filed, more beauty pageant type questions are up next.

Mr. Santos: So why do you wanna work here at Santos Telecom?
Me: Because I believe in the spirit of team work and I believe that there is no “I� in team. I use the crane management style which would efficiently allow my team members to participate in the management process and me to go on unscheduled breaks and drink coffee in the comfort room. (presenting management potentials)
Mr. Santos: That’s good but…
Me: I also think that world peace is overrated and I think that time is a circle that is repetitive of itself. The theory of relativity was written by Albert Einstein when he was working as a patent clerk in Germany. Some people like to put acid in their eyes too! Hahaha! (proving that I have sense of humor and is knowledgeable in current events.)
Mr. Santos: But the thing is…
Me: Shut the fuck up and listen you dolt!
Mr. Santos: (Calling secretary on the phone) Get security up here NOW.
Me: (grabs a cutter off the desk and slits his wrists) I’m bleeding! Help me!

And there you go. You got the job baby.